Toxic Positivity

Positive thinking is everywhere: manifestation, vision boards and phrases like “think positive” – the internet is full of uplifting quotes and phrases that are meant to inspire positivity in a helpful way. We all know that there are enormous benefits to positivity and optimism; however there are times when encouragement to “think positive” not only does not help, but can also be destructive and hurtful. There’s a difference between true positivity and toxic positivity. 

Toxic positivity is the overemphasis of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of essential emotional human experience. Toxic positivity is false reassurance –  it is a way of responding to your own or someone else’s suffering that comes across as a lack of empathy. It dismisses emotions instead of affirming them. Toxic positivity usually isn’t intended to cause harm. Often, it happens in situations when we want to help but don’t know what to say, for example, someone saying “everything happens for a reason” after your grandmother dies. At times, it comes from a place of discomfort – we want to make someone feel better, but it doesn’t have the desired effect. Instead, it shuts the other person up. We then say to ourselves that things may not be as bad as our brains let us think. Maybe life isn't as dire as it seems right now. It causes us to second-guess ourselves – gaslighting. 

The truth is, you can't make someone happy if they aren't happy by telling them to "look on the bright side" or "hold your head up high." You can't take away their fears and problems by bombarding their social media with cute animal videos (even though it might lift their spirits for a short while). Most often, when a person talks to you about how they feel, it is to validate their emotions, to normalize their problem, and above all, so that they feel heard by us. 

Humans feel a wide range of emotions, each of which is an important part of our emotional well-being. Not acknowledging these emotions means ignoring the action they can inspire. Not to mention that failing to talk about them will not make them go away. Most people need help to deal with their emotions from time to time. Simply vocalizing emotions may make the feelings less powerful, helping a person feel less “trapped” by them. Some research shows that talking about emotions, including negative emotions, may even help the brain better process feelings. An older study found that labeling and talking about emotions reduced the strength of certain brain pathways associated with those emotions. This finding suggests that talking about feelings may make them feel less overwhelming. 

True positivity is an emotional and mental attitude that focuses on the good and expects results that will benefit you. It’s about anticipating happiness, health and success instead of expecting the worst. Leveraging the law of attraction, this mindset creates a positive feedback loop that brings even more good into your life. True happiness doesn’t come from suppressing negative emotions and touting feel-good statements, but rather leaning into what we’re authentically feeling in the moment and accepting all of our emotions, both positive and negative. 

While it’s true that your thoughts affect your actions, “positive thinking” alone is not a cure-all that will automatically make you happier and more fulfilled. It doesn't mean sitting around all day telling yourself you’re happy. To achieve your dreams, you’ll need more than a positive mindset – you’ll need to act! Your actions translate into whether or not you succeed. True positivity is about more than just internal emotions — it’s affected by our relationship with ourselves and others, as well as our relationship to our community and the world around us. 

Some of the risks of toxic positivity include:

• Ignoring real harm: A 2020 narrative review of 29 studies of domestic violence found that a positive bias might cause people experiencing abuse to underestimate its severity and remain in abusive relationships. Optimism, hope, and forgiveness increased the risk of people staying with their abusers and being subject to escalating abuse.
• Demeaning a loss: Grief and sadness are normal in the face of loss. A person who repeatedly hears messages to move on or be happy might feel as though others do not care about their loss. A parent who has lost a child, for example, might feel that their child was unimportant to others, compounding their grief.
• Isolation and stigma: People who feel pressure to smile in the face of adversity may be less likely to seek support. They may feel isolated or ashamed of their feelings, deterring them from seeking help. According to the American Psychiatric Association, stigma can deter a person from seeking mental health treatment.
• Communication issues: Every relationship has challenges. Toxic positivity encourages people to ignore these challenges and focus on the positive. This approach can destroy communication and the ability to solve relationship problems.
• Low self-esteem: Everyone experiences negative emotions sometimes. Toxic positivity encourages people to ignore their negative emotions, even though stifling them can make them feel even more powerful. When a person is unable to feel positive, they may feel as though they are failing.

Here are some examples of toxic positivity:

• Ignoring, hiding, minimizing or dismissing your emotions or your real feelings
• Feeling bad, guilty and ashamed of how you feel
• Putting on a social mask as you feel differently inside
• Pretending that everything is fine when it is not
• Minimizing the emotions of others
• Shaming people when they have negative emotions (like pointing out that others have it worse, for example)
• Invalidating someone's experience by not acknowledging that person's real problem, pain, frustration
• Minimizing someone's pain with quotes and different perspectives (ie: “Everything happens for a reason.”)

Here are some ways to cultivate true positivity in your life — and nix the toxic positivity for good. 

1. Practice mindfulness: Give mindfulness a try by simply taking a quiet moment to notice how you’re feeling and what’s going on in your body and mind. Don’t focus on any single thought or sensation; instead, notice everything. If you notice any negativity, don’t judge yourself for it — just make a note of it and move on. It’s important to notice our negative feelings and acknowledge the information they are giving us without losing ourselves in them. 
2. Recognize that emotions are tools: Recognize that negative emotions are normal and an important part of the human experience – all emotions are functional and have a purpose. They are a signal to the person experiencing them or the person being communicated to. One approach to mindfulness is to look at emotions as tools or information, rather than focusing only on how they make you feel. Negative emotions like anger or fear serve to alert us about potential danger or threat, whereas positive emotions like happiness foster connection and opportunities to be creative.   
3. Admit your interpersonal mistakes: Whether in the moment or after the fact, if you realize you’ve dismissed a loved one’s negative emotions or cut them off with toxic positivity when they were trying to confide in you, own up to the mistake and apologize. We all make mistakes, so try not to get down on yourself if you notice that something you said sounded insensitive or dismissive. The best thing you can do is recognize that and ask your loved one how you can better respond next time.
4. Clarify your needs: Talk with trusted people about emotions, including negative feelings. Sometimes, people may respond to our expression of emotion in a way that isn’t helpful, not because they don’t want to help but because they make assumptions about how they should respond, such as offering advice when advice isn’t wanted. One way to avoid this is to start the conversation by being clear about your needs — for example, that you’re looking for empathy rather than advice. Stating what you want from the interaction can help the other person, too, by encouraging them to relax and respond more authentically. 
5. If you have kids, teach them how to express all emotions: Modeling the expression of a full range of emotions — and talking openly about them — is important when around kids to help ensure they grow up learning how to deal with their own feelings, rather than avoiding them. Inevitably, the young people in your life will at some point express their anger, sadness or frustration. When they do, avoid simply telling them to stop crying or yelling. Instead, talk with them about how they’re feeling and why they might be feeling that way, and what you both can do to resolve the issue. Be open about your own feelings with them, too. If, say, you’re frustrated about something and lose your patience and snap at your kid, make sure after you’ve cooled off to explain that you lost your temper and you’re sorry for it.    
6. Let yourself feel your feelings: This is straightforward, though it’s often harder to accomplish than it seems. We often have excuses for not engaging with our complicated emotions, but remember, your negative feelings won’t go away unless you eventually deal with them. So acknowledge them, try to understand where they might be coming from, and think about what you can do to address them.  
7. Get comfortable being uncomfortable: If you get bad news and your typical reaction is to assure yourself and others that everything will be fine, it can feel really awkward to change your ways and acknowledge the fact that everything might not be fine. Rather than giving into toxic positivity because it’s easier in the moment, allow yourself to be a little uncomfortable.
8. Avoid common toxically positive phrases: Words matter, and when it comes to tricky conversations, it’s important to be aware of the language you’re using. For example, if a friend comes to you with bad news, instead of urging her to “Just be happy!” try something like “It’s never fun to feel like that. Is there something we can do today that you’d enjoy?” If you’re having an internal dialogue about something that’s weighing on you, rather than telling yourself, “Just be positive!” tell yourself, “I know there’s a lot that could go wrong. What could go right?”
9. Accept that change won’t happen overnight: Combatting toxic positivity is a lot like unlearning other harmful behaviors; it takes time and it doesn’t happen immediately. Though you’re working on embracing the idea that everything might not be OK, it’s totally normal to slip up every now and then. It’s a change in thinking that won’t happen overnight, but will be worth it in the long run.